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I had the good fortune recently to catch up with a couple of close friends from my university days. Over time, my frequency of contact with them naturally reduced, such that by the time of this recent meeting, we worked out that it had been over seven years since we were all last together in the same room. We rapidly exchanged news and slipped back into the old familiar modes of chatting to each other. I enjoyed myself greatly, and I feel confident they did too.
It struck me on the journey home that it was remarkable that while we’ve certainly changed physically – a few grey hairs here and there, alas – and in our personal lives – varying relationships, children, career paths – we were still able to talk to each other smoothly and comfortably. I like to flatter myself that I’ve grown wiser and not just older over the years, but how much can one really have changed if it is so easy to slip back into old patterns?
Fortunately for all three of us, life has generally treated us well, and long may that continue. Is this part of the reason we hadn’t altered our fundamental patterns of engagement?
I suppose that much of this consistency comes down to the fact that by the time one graduates from university, one’s personality is well-formed. Personality is commonly defined as an individual’s set of enduring mental and behavioural characteristics. These develop as one matures, and by adulthood are fairly deeply engrained. Knowledge can be added, and decision-making can be refined in light of that new information, but our essential individual modus operandi to life is pretty well set. There is a whole field of psychological & psychiatric research and practice devoted to understanding what happens when these characteristics are unhelpful, though controversy exists as to how “unhelpful” in this context should be defined.
What is less controversial is that altering personality is a very challenging process: these characteristics are formed so gradually and over such a long period of time that it can take an equally long period of incremental effort to alter them. It’s akin to changing the course of a river that’s formed through gradual erosion; the odd viaduct or dam can be put in place with some significant effort but altering the entire course of the river requires a more fundamental reorganisation. Still, there is evidence that such exceptionally difficult change is possible.
In the end, I suppose that my friends and I have been fortunate that our own riverbeds have formed along favourable paths. A key life challenge is integrating new knowledge into these pre-existing patterns in such a way as to add value (wisdom? happiness?) rather than risk altering the fundamental trajectory by generating stress.
I’m curious as to what the general feeling is… do you think you’ve changed over time, on a fundamental level?
Good question. I believe I’ve mellowed since University (it was a while ago!), and am more patient with irritating people/situations. Is that just learned behaviour though, or a real change in me? I’ve become more confident in my ability to “deal with fallout” so am also more willing to make risky choices, as I’ve come to value things differently and see even total failure as survivable. University self was much less self-confident (arrogant?). No – I think I WAS arrogant, so it is self-confidence. I look forward to reading other views.
Yes, I think there’s a brittleness associated with the confidence of the young, which comes across as arrogance. I think that self-confidence is about being confident without needing to extend that protective shell so far out that then excessively disrupts other people’s own balance.
The more situations one faces, the easier it can be to contextualise those situations… but like you I’m not sure whether this is superficial learning or deeper change, and where the boundary between the two is.
I’ve been thinking about this most of the afternoon. Objectively it seems that I’ve adapted, because I have had to. I’ve matured and learnt because seemingly it is also part of the deal. Change implies altered though, and I think perhaps it is more a case of discovering what you are capable of, rather than changing from one thing to another. Like scraping away layers. It’s the same you, only more of it revealed. So yes there has been a change, but *I*, the original have not changed.
Your comment follows on beautifully from Quieter Elephant’s comment above & my reply to them. I like your take on it a lot; in fact, I think it is better metaphor to use in those situations where change is actively needed/desired as it’s a more personally-empowering perspective than the riverbed analogy I used.
Very interesting – I hear that (and this is an estimate, obviously, how on earth would we measure it) 50 percent of personality is genetic. So what does that imply for when we age? And what about the other 50 percent – culture? Friends’ influence?
I’m glad you pointed out the University age. I stubbornly studied music even though I realized I hated it. Finally years later I began making films and studying science, my true passions (and what I loved most as a child – music never interested me until I was a teenager). With that I became more mellow and happy. Now my old musician buddies are puzzled as to why I have no interest in attending music events. It’s like I am a new person, although much happier. I think I became more “myself”. Being young = being fake.
As with 3am’s post above, your comment continues the theme in a very natural and meaningful way. I’m not sure I’d go quite as far as to equal youth with fakery, but I’d certainly agree that without being comfortable with our own sense of self, it’s very tempting to try to mimic others.
Where I’d differ from your perspective is that some people never “grow out of it”. They remain so embedded in that mindset that they pursue whole careers, relationships and even lives never being able to get in touch with a deeper, more meaningful, sense of self. So it’s not just youth at play, there’s something else keeping people in that mode (social pressure? fear? family? their own expectations?) It’s really difficult to pinpoint why, but an important question, I think.
“there’s something else keeping people in that mode”
Maybe it’s not that something is keeping them there, it’s more that they don’t know that there is another way of being. They’ve got no reference point for growing out of it , because they don’t realise that they are in it. Like they have nothing to hang that idea on. It doesn’t occur to them to look anywhere else because they think that they have already got the answer.
I guess that is where you need a catalyst. Which is why sometimes it is possible to find the good in the most terrible of things.
I’ll buy that. As an immigrant of 10+ years here in Canada, I see that other immigrants are much more likely to be risk takers and “just go for it”.
Once you’ve uprooted your entire existence and started afresh in another country (and for some a completely different culture – I was spared most of THAT upheaval being born a Brit), every other risk seems to pale into the background. You’ve taken a huge gamble, made it, and so are much more emboldened.
I found your comments interesting, I met up with someone recently after twenty five years and it was like yesterday. We spoke of how our lives had progressed, developed and changed over the years. But it was relaxed and very enjoyable and we are keeping the conversation alive through sporadic phone calls and emails.
I think change is linked to individual growth and development, both emotionally and intellectually. As we live we grow and i think that is conducive to the human condition.
Intellectually i think its good to have your ideas challenged both at a personal and social level. It enables change and i think that change is one of those things that shake us out of our complacency and drive us forward.
An extremely interesting discussion — in which everyone makes very good points. And yet —
My 60th high school reunion is coming up (do the math) and I have no intention of attending, although a goodly number of classmates are very keen on it. Have I changed over the years? You’re damn right — I’ve worked and clawed and struggled to do so. How much change happens without an element of work, I’m not sure. But I don’t feel, either, that it’s simply a question of scraping away layers so that more of the original is revealed, as 3am Wisdom suggests. I feel it’s more like the growth of a tree, adding a ring every so often, until the mature tree is composed both of unity (the single trunk) and complexity (the intricate layering). I am everything I have ever been and contained, but — to shift metaphors — the leaves of experience have sifted down onto the forest floor and become nourishing “significant soil” for the “me” of today.
I am who I was, and totally different.
I am more complex than ever, and far simpler than ever.
Being old — not older, not maturer, not a senior citizen — being OLD is entering another country. It is a strange place, perhaps, and poses many physical difficulties. But I am a full and independent and bold citizen of that country, and in that respect it is the best country yet I have found myself in. Just to give you all another point of view, perhaps?